The Omniblogus - Tangent 2: The Lagaan Discourse

[Part One]

[Previous Part - Tangent One The Man U Fan]

Our particular generation has had the honor of being born in an era where we can enjoy one of the great debates of the ages unfold in front of our very eyes, namely - which is the best Khan?

Salman and Saif can both make credible claims for various parts of their career, but the real contest begins and ends with Aamir and SRK.

SRK aka ShahRukh Khan, had made it big with his roles as what the indian cinema dictated to be the anti-hero.

then he decided to ditch that for DDLJ, and proceeded to become a monster-class superstar.

in essence, after DDLJ the man who gave us the stuttering stalker gave us the stuttering schoolboy, forever 21, forever Raaj, or Raj, or Raju, forever the same character for the next for 15 years.
In contrast, Aamir Khan started as the "papa-kehtain hain" good boy who loved purely and passionately...

...but ended up as the "art-cinema" hero, bringing a unique hollywood sensibility to India, by doing historical movies,

changing his physical appearance for a role and getting in "character,"

and (the number one hollywood superstar move) - making a movie with a retarded kid.

Shahrukh took the crass route, and got a wax statue in London, Aamir went classy, and went to the Oscars.

Shahrukh went meglomaniac, Aamir went anti-colonial intellectual.

but as for me, I never like Aamir. even though i admired his latter-day endeavors, i could never get past his early years. back then, he was one of the few indian actors who would kiss women on the lips. it was a horrid affair comprising of no tongue, and literally a forceful jamming of two awkward pairs of lips, but in those days, in that pakistan, it was scandalous. and what made it worse for me was that he was a Muslim. Oh Lord.

i like to believe my prejudices have altered since then, but i still don't like Aamir Khan. Of course, he did do a great service to cricket. he made one of the best movies involving the game - Lagaan.

this unfortunately, is not the forum for a discussion on how good it was. suffice to say that it was. what was interesting was the cricketing narrative - that the indian team had to rely on its batsmen to get them through, with Aamir of course playing the heroic batsman who remains undefeated.
that speaks volumes about cricket in india. indians like to bat. always have, always will. that predisposition meant that india only had good spinners, and never had fast bowlers.

despite centuries of living together, and having the same culture, memories, traditions and languages, despite all of that, pakistanis and indians are different.

and this is the reason.

in pakistan, the ultimate hero is the bowler.

the pakistani narrative has batsmen as exciting, inventive, breath taking, exhilarating, but also as suicidal,

circumspect,

timid,

spineless

and plain stupid.

inevitably, the pakistani batting fails, it goes out with a whimper, it flatters to deceive, it self destructs, it mutilates, it self-mutilates and flagellates and defecates.

in pakistan, the savior twirls his arms.

a pakistani bowler is all bravado.

he bowls like a dreamer,

he loves the audacious,

he is a born predator,

his sense of vengeance keener than that of Jack Bauer.

he is our "shock & awe,"

only he treads the "Rah-e-rast."

if there was a pakistani lagaan, it would involve us bowling last, the batsmen having been shout out for a ridiculous total, and the opposition merely waiting to celebrate their victory. for the archetypal pakistani victory involves coming back from nowhere, and it involves the bowlers being magnificent.

in 2003, when wasim and waqar retired, it appeared that shoaib and sami would fly the flag. but sami proved to be a mystery.

and as for shoaib - well, he was clearly unplayable when he chose to be, but catastrophic otherwise. just look up genital warts to know what i mean.

As for asif – he was the ultimate case of KLPD. (kharay lun pay dhoka – loosely translated as a betrayal to an erection.)

when sehwag murdered saqlain in multan, it felt like a part of pakistan was slowly withering away, and not to a marxist utopia either.

and if proof was needed that the apocalypse was nigh, india discovered ishant sharma. a genuinely quick bowler who could bowl with pace and bounce.

on the wounds caused by pakistani bowlers attacking one another with bats and pulling hamstrings on esha deol's g-string, the discovery of ishant sprinkled acid-riddled salt.

if india were to have fast bowlers and reverse swing, would pakistan have any purpose left in life? they'd taken away what made us pakistanis, so what would we be left with now? was God dead?

Proof of the Mumbai attacks - Obama did it

the title of this post is an attempt rooted in curiosity over the idea if a certain title, or tags of a post encourage greater volume of visitors.



time will tell i suppose.

i had great hopes for my first post of the new year. wanted to usher in something encapsulating the past crazy 12 months. unfortunately, that has not happened.

but what i did find was this article. it may not be news to you, or interesting even. but in my line of work, and the general obliviousness towards reality that has come to be a way of life in pakistan, i felt compelled to share this wonderful piece by a man who has rapidly replaced mohsin hamid as my favorite pakistani author. that has also been due to the fact that the reluctant fundamentalist was such a terrible terrible let down.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

(this post was written during the first match between pakistan and india in the kitply tri-series cricket tournament)


Its 140 without loss, and its not even 20 overs yet.

If i count 1992 as the year i began watching cricket, the theme of India Pakistan matches was a largely recurring one. we met only in ODIs, the matches took place abroad, and barring inconsequential fixtures Pakistan creamed India.

that was not to say that it wasn't fun watching the auld enemy get their noses bloodied. for starters the matches were so few and far in between that by the time one came around you couldn't wait for it. and there was always the visceral pleasure derived from those matches that would rarely be replicated in any other arena of life, let alone cricket.

it was also a time of diplomatic impasse. compared to now, India of those days was a strange entity accessible only through Bollywood. the solitary pakistani tv channel had a half hour program dedicated to the plight of kashmir which ran every day, during a time slot which may now be considered prime time. no one ever went across the borders other than ISI-trained operatives and RAW agents claiming to be drunken vagabonds until their release two decades later upon which time they would proclaim themselves to be spies.

the countries themselves were much different from how they are now. Pakistan actually spent the entire 90s under democratic rule. well until oct 99, so that's pretty much the entire decade. indian politicians and film stars and everyone else used to drive white ambassadors, elected congress to power and had little global charisma.


then, things began to change.

it took a little while. the new millennium began in earnest for some when the twin towers fell. but in terms of pakistan india cricket, the tides of change truly thundered ashore in 2004. relations between the two countries had changed much. india was rampaging forward as a nascent global superpower. a hyper-nationalist zeal had come to engulf indian politics, and its economy provided much of the justification for those claims. pakistan was led by the khakis again, although that was more of a cyclical, rather than turning point kind of change.

pakistani dramas, which used to be popular in india, were now carbon copies of their indian versions. 'crossover' stars were being created in earnest, with pakistani acts jumping across wagah to bathe in cash, and indian bhangra-pop acts were selling out pakistani country clubs. so sacrilegious was the new reality that the world cup theme song for the “men in blue” in 2003 was sung by a pakistani singer – albeit one anxious to rid his nationality with the same haste he had dropped his bulbous weight.

in fact, the changes run so deep, and are so varied that it exhausts me just to start thinking about them let alone writing about them. but i hope you get the picture. so back to 2004. because i had mentioned that time as when things changed completely.

you see, for most of the time between 1992 to 2004, pakistan had made india pretty much their whipping boys. out of the 48 ODIs that yielded results played between the two countries, pakistan had won 28, including a string of seven wins in a row, and never lost more than two on a trot. indian victories on the other hand, were usually phyrric in nature. the six times the two countries met in tournament finals, pakistan won 4 times. pakistani bowlers, especially wasim and waqar, and to a lesser extent saqlain, made even tendulkar appear like a novice. in fact that period of dominance was the primary reason why pakistani fans are so disdainful of sachin's justified claims of all time greatness. he would rarely get any good scores against us, and even if he did they would not be in consequential matches, and even if they were, he couldn't guide the rest of his sorry team to victory.

indian bowlers were so atrocious they made pakistani batsmen put bradman to shame. both saeed anwar and ijaz ahmed were great batsmen, but would struggle to make anyone's list of the top 10 batsmen of all time. yet they were only two examples of men who battered india senseless to the point of eliciting reverence usually put aside for someone like viv richards. cue anwar's 194 and ijaz's lahore blitzkrieg to understand my point.

pakistan was just better




but in 2004, things were ripe for revolution. for starters, wasim and waqar had retired. no one had played test match cricket in pakistan for so long we had forgotten what it was. while australia humiliated us by dismissing us twice for 50-odd in a “home test” match in sharjah, india had drawn a series against steve waugh's immortals in australia. and there were plenty of new faces in india's new pale blue sahara emblazoned kit.

in 2004, when india toured pakistan, they won both the test series and the odi series. the test victory was the first by any indian team against pakistan on pakistani soil. it was a tour which changed history

as we understood it. (for a brilliant account of the tour, read rahul bhattcharya's pundits in pakistan)

it began a period of cricket between the two countries which is disconcerting, and disturbing for anyone who had witnessed the 90s. the old ways were literally sublimating into thin air.

in the time since then, pakistan india have played 27 ODIs, with pakistan winning 14, and losing 13. (after today that score line reads 14 each, and will probably get worse) more importantly, pakistan has only won one series, while india has won 3. in tests the story has become even more disturbing. india has won 2 series to pakistan's one, and the last series was humiliating in the way indian batsmen would amass gargantuan totals and then watch in amusement how their pakistani counterparts would struggle to match their feats on dead wickets.

in the days of yore, indians would rarely have a good day at the office against pakistani opposition. kumble's 10-for seemed an aberration more than anything else. now yuvraj averages 50 against us, sehwag cracked the first ever triple ton by an indian ever against us. dhoni and pathan both see their averages improve when they play pakistan. balaji made an entire career out of tormenting pakistani batsmen, and no one else.


and in what must be seen as a grim foreboding, pakistan has lost to india in every t20 match played between the two nations. sure there have only been two matches, but the nature of those defeats rankles. one was lost because pakistani bowlers couldn't hit the wicket with no batsmen on the pitch. the second was lost when misbah's id overrode his ego.(actually in fairness, i don't blame misbah, and will forever see that moment as a romantic encapsulation of the pakistani spirit. but still. it was the kind of torture to get the bush administration excited over its excruciating possibilities.)through out the 90s, when each victory over india inspired scenes of nationalistic jingoism, i would hold back, because anti-indianess struck me as stupid and boorish. i would defend tendulkar's greatness even though no one else could fathom why. and there was even a (exceedingly brief) time when a match against australia would be more eagerly anticipated.

(this was mainly during the india-pakistan-australia tri-series, when india was just being woeful)

but now. as india presses for a permanent seat on the security council, and their mainstream movies have started becoming really good, and the whole world flocks to its wonders, and cricket's next big thing was their love child, and when pakistan seems to be sinking into political indecisiveness (again a cyclical thing) and economic meltdown, and each summer promises a new endgame, ranging from power to water to food to health for the entire nation, i can't help but wish for the days gone by.

i'm only 24, too young to be an old fogey living in the past. but the future feels uninhabitable at this rate.

N.B. Pakistan eventually went on to record their worst ever defeat to India in all one day internationals. This joins Pakistan's effort of also losing to India in a test series at India for the first time in 20-odd years last year, as well as recording their worst ever Test defeat against them not so long ago.